He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
