Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
