I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
