OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
