my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
