Where did you get a picture of my penis
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
