so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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