he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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