There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
