I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
