i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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