Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
people are starting to question the shark bite story
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
