Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
