How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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