So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
