I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
