remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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