When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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