Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
