He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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