Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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