when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
