party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
