My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
