Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
this hospital has no fireball
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
