And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
