my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
sarcasm needs its own font
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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