WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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