how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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