Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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