and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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