Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
