so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
