I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
