it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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