fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
