best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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