THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
