mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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