yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
