I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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