Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
