so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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