I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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