just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
