it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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