got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
