Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
