I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
soo... how was my night?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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