She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
