I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
